Mothers & Daughters

The maternal ties are primary in human existence, the mother our first role model. Motivated by my own reflections on my relationship with my mother after her death, this body of work urges the question, what it means to be a woman, a mother, a daughter. And, at what point do we transition?
The mother/daughter relationship is universal and yet uniquely singular. Focusing on this familial female connection, Mothers & Daughters ponders the lineage, emotional bond, and self-identity of individuals who are inextricably linked with one another.

What would you want to give along as a piece of advice for life to your daughter?
It’s not a matter of ‘if’ but ‘when’ for when tragedy hits so leaning into a good support system and having thoughtful self care will take you far.

What was the last thing you did together?
We drew a rainbow and glued differently colored glitter on top. As for the most memorable, I will say, generally speaking, I delight when we both share a laugh in something silly or both are wowed by an experience.

In what ways are you similar or different?
It’s hard for me to see the similarities. Abigail is kind and loving and plays by the rules (most of the time). We are different in the sense that she’s very physical, she likes to wrestle, tackle, play fight, jump off high areas and climb.

What was the last memorable thing you did together?
A few weeks ago we spent the day shopping, just the two of us. Alisa told me she loves to go shopping with me because I have good taste.

What is different in the way you were raisedand how you raise your daughter?
I wasn’t close to my mom because she was very critical about everything I did. I am very open when it comes to raising my children. We have a great relationship and we talk about everything.

What are similar characteristics of you both?
We both are very considerate and we like to be silly; the difference between us is that Alisa is a very artistic person and I am not at all.

What was the first challenge of motherhood?
I thought I knew what motherhood was – until the day I became a mother. Raisa was born 5 weeks early, and was immediately whisked away by the neonatologist for examination. When he brought her to me for the first time, she was fully swaddled, and I was unable to see her face. He laid her in my arms, and before I could look down at her, he told me all the ways that she was wrong, listing over a dozen physical anomalies he had discovered during examination. I was terrified to pull back the blanket. But when I did, I saw nothing but absolute perfection and beauty, and in that moment, decided I would never again let her be defined by her differences. 
I figured if she were dressed in the armor of cute clothing, people would look beyond her difference, and see the beautiful child that she was. So I dressed her in the sweetest bloomers and dresses your eyes have ever seen. The cute clothes worked for a while, until it didn’t. Beginning at around age 3 or 4, she started talking/acting/dressing ‘like a boy’. By age 5, she wanted button-downs and bowties. I begrudgingly purchased her first first button-down shirt and necktie combo, and when she saw herself in the mirror, she took her own breath away. She ran across the living room andexclaimed, “Mama, mama! Look how much faster I can run” and then she jumped up and down and said, “Mama, look how much higher I can jump when I’m wearing a button-down shirt and a tie!”. In that moment I realized that my way of protecting her wasn’t working anymore. It was time for her to decide how she wanted to be seen. I was teaching her to deny her own truth. A truth she needed to know so she could protect and advocate for herself.

How are you similar?
We both have temper but we don’t stay angry for long. We are not argumentative, we are not bossy. We love to be around people; people give us fuel.

What is different in the way you were raised and how you raise your daughter?
We listen to Gabriella and take her opinions seriously. We believe she is able to make her own decisions. We encourage her to try new things, and we raise her to believe that she can achieve whatever she wants and we will back her. This is very different from how I grew up.

What was last memorable thing you did together?
Kissing her goodbye as she left for school.

When was the last time you argued with each other?
We have little fights here and there. Last time I fought with my mother was two weeks back. She was making a big fuss about me being lazy (which I am not, I assure you). She just catches me being lazy at the wrong times and doesn’t see me when I am actually working. Hence, she started her lecture on how I never do anything and will end up doing nothing in my life. And that obviously hurt me very much.

How are you similar, how are you different?
We both love flowers and we love to design. We also seem to have the same facial expressions and also, we cry when we laugh too much. My mother is very patient and I lose my temper very quickly. My mother is not the rebellious type, but on the other hand, if I don't like something I will be blunt and stand up for it.

What is different in the way you were raised and how you raise your daughter?
When we were younger we never got what we wanted right away. We wore hand-me-downs and shared clothes with our cousins and siblings. However, my daughter got what she wanted. We were also not allowed to hang out with our friends or even have a social life whereas my daughter is free to hang out and socialize.

What is your advice to your daughter?
A piece of advice I would give my daughter is to be patient and not to hurt anyone knowingly, no matter what they do to you.

What do you think about your mom?
She's very patient with me. I have been driving her crazy for 21 years and she endures so much. I put her into a lot of trouble and I don't think I can ever repay her sweat, blood, patience, tears and love. I will forever be indebted to her and I am not one to tell her these sentimental things, but she's working very hard for me.

In what ways are you similar or different?
We are very similar in our ways of thinking and how we manage things. We are always honest and fair in the way we interact with one another and with others. I, as the daughter, have a rather quiet and calm personality; my mother is always on the move, more restless, and a little cheeky sometimes.

How is your mom doing a ‘good job’?
My brother and I grew up to be considerate people. We were given the appreciation for the small things in life, and we could always express ourselves freely. Mamá taught us a sense of belonging and how to be happy in our day-to-day life. She has always done a great job – and still does – and I would not want to change her for anything in this world.

How is your relationship?
Priscilla is a very smart and sweet young lady. Her personality is so much more like her dad’s than it is like mine, so our relationship is kind of hilarious. Sometimes she tries to be the little adult that tells me that I am too crazy because I am always dancing, singing, cracking jokes or just being funny. We love each other very much and we like to have conversations about everything. I like that she is open with me about her life and I can help her through every step.

When was the last time you argued with each other?
We argued this morning because she found a picture book about my husband (her dad) and I where I wrote that on our first date we kissed all night. She said that was gross, I told her it wasn’t, but she was still a bit traumatized.

What would you like to give along as a piece of advice for life to your daughter?
Above all things, LOVE. Always choose to love others even if they are or think differently than you do.

How is your relationship?
My mother and I have a great relationship, sometimes I believe she is too good to be true. She is my friend and my role model. From a young age, she has been an angel in disguise to all of my siblings and truthful to everyone she encounters. She doesn’t judge or ridicule me for my decisions but she will give the best advice I can ask for. We are always hanging out and working together with no problems. I am not saying she doesn’t put on her ‘mommy’ face from time to time but when she does, all I have to do is poke out my bottom lip and she can’t help but smile and then everything is alright! It still works no matter how old I get.

When did you argue with each other?
I don’t ever recall having a fight or argument with my mom. She taught me that respecting my elders (whether they are family or not) is very important. Yes, at times she gets on my nerves, but it only takes a second for me to shake that off. If it was something serious then I might have to walk it off for a little longer.

What is different in the way you were raised compared and how you raise your daughter?
I was raised in the old Southern style; “speak only when you are spoken to, stay in a child’s place”. I raised my children to be strong and independent. I allowed them to speak their mind and voice their opinion but still maintain their respect for people as well as themselves.